The Ever Ending Wake

Death sits withering fast on the ledge

Mourning deeply the hours by the sedge.

Agony drips swiftly through broken veins

As we all part crying different waned lanes.

We lovers of despair, we mourners of light

We masters of whores, we owners of raved sight.

I crave for thee at night, mistress of mine

As the stars loose their light, I walk the line.

Halt thy voice! Oh, deranged soul of creeds

As we all plant death and broken seeds.

But oh, heaven has betrayed me, I’m fallen

The hours pass all in empty exile, all swollen.

Ne’er a sign of faith, ne’er a sign of light

All gone! All shattered! None of it in sight.

Reaped shreds of my flesh fall as I cry

A heart all in anguish, beating over tears dry.

Hours run through pain and tears!

Heart battered by blades of honor!

Hollow cries echo in my walls!

My waving words spilled in blood!

A sacred name in pain howled thrice!

Behold, oh wasted race of aeons.

Behold what time has made of me!

A secret locked by rose and prose!

A name yearned in all fours!

Speak thee to me, oh raving angel of night!

Spot her for me and grant her my love,

Keep her safe until the golden orb reels

High above us, bleeding hearts.

Keep her safe as madness and fear

Keep their mark and seal

Deep in my brow as I withered

In long hours of fading tears.

- Dark Shadow!

Rain Walk.

Rain pours with force while the afternoon grows grey and dark. There is no sun to set, there is no last bright light to follow. And the murder of a new sun that I carry in my heart begins to fade. Stupid feelings sometimes I get. Stupid rainy afternoons that screw everything up. And now both my heart and soul feel as if crushed by the weight of the destruction of something beautiful. Once that made me feel better, now I just don’t know how I will go on. Stupid depression that comes through waves of anguish and fear. Guess I could use a rain walk, but it doesn’t rain anymore, just shadows remain to haunt me.

Guess shit do happens, and I got no one to talk with right now. And as always I end up screwing up everything. Fuck, I don’t even have the time to walk down to the park, or the pub, or the graveyard. I can’t break down. That’s the worst part of all. Even if I wish, I can’t break down. No time to cry, no time to feel, to time to hate, no time to go out for blood. No time to do all what I should do. Stupid bizarre feelings I sometimes get. Can’t we just run away for a couple of seconds? Can I just disappear for a day? I know it is selfish and coward, but can I get one day out? Just fade from all existence and return the next day. A day where there is no need to feel, no need to think, no need to worry, no need to work, no need to come up with an hypocrite smile at every corner. Well, maybe not entirely alone, but with the angel I love. The only one that inspires true feelings. But, can we get a day off this planet, this life, this time? We should have one.

Fuck, there is so much pressure, so much air pressure. So many expectations, and it is all so frail, so fragile. One little stupid call and everything falls. Oh, fuck it kid, get a grip. A grip from where? Ah? From shadows and thought, and despair and confusion? Get a grip and go back to work? Ignore all what flashes through your mind and heart, ignore all what you feel, ignore all what I feel? Just put it aside and pretend that nothing ever happened? Oh well, my dear, I can see one or two failures in your master plan. Specially that I have everything present at the same time. I see everything at the same time, and if I focus too much on something, I blow it all. We already know this, we have known it for such  long time. And still, we keep on falling, just because of a feverish heart and a cold brain. Oh sweet melancholia o’ mine. But I know, i feel. And I feel more that I’m supposed to do, and I care more that what I should. But yes, that’s me, what are you gonna do about it my dear sunshine? There is nothing I can do, that’s just how I am. And well, if I screwed it up, guess I should find the answer. Or do something about it, instead of typing so hard that I’m gonna break my keyboard. But fuck, I need to let go of this stupid tension, and there are no punks to kick around. Just the bloody keyboard and my work. 

And what are we gonna do, well, I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

I told you I don’t have all the answers, therefore neither do you. Well, both my heart and soul plays quite amazingly.

And this stupid self discussion is leading up to no where. Shouldn’t we get our ass to work. Cause let me remind you my heart, we both have some pretty hard things to do. But since you just want to erase mankind from the planet and shove the world up God’s ass, well, I doubt we’ll be productive. So you better go and burn some of that in the streets, or in the room, or in the pub, or wherever you want. Kill if you need to kill, destroy if you need to destroy, cut your veins and bleed and feast on your own blood, throw half your work through the window, I don’t care. Just go and get back to be yourself. Stop worrying, stop bothering, and if you need to go all hell-fire and brimstone, that’s fine with me. And if you need to go medieval on someone’s ass, that’s ok. So go, kill, murder, burn, maim, use all the unnecessary violence you need. But stop whining and feeling like shit fore whatever circumstances that are, were, and will be beyond your control. Chuck all the goddamned shit and fuck it. Get hold of your fucking self. And if you need to go and buy a machine gun and fill his guts with lead, you’ll do a favor to this world. So, to reinforce what’s already been told; fuck your damned stupid worrying and do something productive. You’ll get nothing out of just worrying and caring. You need action. Plant a bomb in a temple, or whatever, I really don’t care, all I need is you back here so I can finish the work.

This is my rational mind and soul and heart conversing, by the way.  

- Dark Shadow!

Seraphic Deviltry

Why must we falter when all light consumes light? Why once the dark comes we must be left astray and fall in love with lovers of the night? And why the bonfires and the guitars and the gypsy voices must be so seductive once the night falls and all is said with a kiss or a rose? We are all so cold and yet so warm, so alone yet so happy. It a strange world, it is a wonderful world. And you sometimes need a kiss or a rose to say it all. And not always misery loves company. Sometimes misery is miserable and alone, but once the guitars sing and the fires roar, she forgets her shroud of tears and dances in fiery red through the night. We cannot be more than what we are, we are all we are. But once the night comes and the dance begins we forget our names and tears and we become what we always wanted to be. For what we should have been given the chance. We are used to be so, so little, when we are so much. We are always so much but we forget to be so.

That’s the seraphic deviltry left astray in our world. The one that makes us feel so little and so afraid once the moon is shining.

But as some say… look at us but do not touch.

Go and go now… but well…. what are we in the end?

- Dark Shadow!

Back to Basics

To a certain someone:

I know your eyes will never see this. That is why I write. The nights is dark and cold. My heart swells with love for my sweet guy with galaxy eyes. But still your eyes make me sad. I know I’ll never know so many things. I know that it is better not to know some. But still… I hope one day you’ll find the joy you deserve in this life. I know I am just one more friend for you. Maybe I’m closer to your heart, maybe I’m one of the best friends you have. Maybe I am. Maybe not. But I believe you when you tell me that I’m close to your heart. I just want to say that you are one of the best friends I’ve had and ever will have. You don’t get close to know what a great friend you can be. I know your life has not been easy. No life ever will be easy, but yours I know is harder than most. Maybe that’s why we grow up so fast.

And yes, there are so many things you know that I know, but then again, I know some that you don’t. Many of them I’ll not be the one to teach, but I do hope you will learn them. And I just want to say that my friendship to you is a life long one. You will always be my friend. And I’ll always be there to help you. And I guess that in long words I’m just trying to tell you (even if you won’t read this) that I’m thankful I met you. I’m thankful for your sweetness. And I do hope that someday I’ll be able to look into your eyes and find more than that shade of sadness and too many tears that have been cried. I do hope you find happiness. Here I’ll be to see you glow.

- Dark Shadow!

Gandhi's Top 10

1. Change
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.”

2. Control.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”

3. Forgiveness
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

4. Action.
“An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.”

5. The present moment.
“I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.”

6. Everyone is human.
“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.”
“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”

7. Persist.
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

8. Goodness.
“I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.”
“I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.”

9. Truth
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”

10. Development.
“Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.”

Apple Kiss.

Kriti Shah sat down at the cafe and whispered some bizarre words to herself. She gazed thorough the plaza, searching for some girl, for a little flower under the sun. Her blackest eyes wondered across the dew covered grass and all the little spring flowers. Her eyes stopped right on top of a Daisy. She was all wet with dew and her fragile petals were trembling in the spring air. It looked as if the wind was about to begin to play “she loves me, she loves me not” with her. But the Daisy did indeed love him, so she decided to play with him for a while, but never she gave him a petal. They shared them both, they caressed each other with the joy of a new sun.

Kriti laughed at the sweetness of the situation and sighed deeply as the flower and the wind danced their love away. She took the violet that was entwined in her hair and looked into it, hoping to find something new, something like amber or honey dew in her. But all she found was herself. And in the soft glow of her eyes, she saw her love. So she rested her head on her shoulder and dreamed of a world were the sun followed the sunflowers and apples were so sweet and red and beautiful. 

But the world was too bright and beautiful to dream the day away, so she stood up and took an apple in her hand. She gave it a bite and moaned to the sweet flavor of such kiss. 

- Dark Shadow!

Mistrust.

It is not about pleasure, it is not about right and wrong, it is not about the monsters in the closet. It is all about freedom.

But I have come to mistrust my freedom. My own wall and mask with the world. I have lost my way in the world. I don’t know what it is that I want, that I hope or that I seek. Seems like the universal conscience has taken over me. Or maybe it is just some deep depression. Maybe I have become Failure, or Failure has become a better mirror of myself. I cannot tell. All I know is that I’m locking myself behind my own wall and mask, and I’m afraid I’ll lose my life to myself. Suicidal thought are no strangers in my world. 

Something about that primal instinct, that basic instinct is wrong with me. Maybe Nathalie was right. Maybe hearts like mine burn with love too fast and won’t beat more than 27 years. But maybe she was wrong. I mistrust my own self. I’m afraid I’ll keep on building a wall no one ever will help me to tear down. Cause I know I need help. Maybe I have to tear it down alone, but I need some help to find the way. Cause I have lost my pride and my joy, my will to believe. And with every passing day hope leaves, darkness dwells inside of me, and I feel I’m so left astray.

But I never complain about solitude. If I have to die young, I’ll die alone, in perfect solitude. It is the best way to go. I love my solitude, my own loneliness, my own company. They say Misery loves company, and that is true. But I’m tired of making other people feel miserable. I am happy with my own misery. But she is not a good friend. She is a great drinking buddy, and a great companion for self destruction. But that is not the idea, right? So I better get help.

In the meanwhile, here are some things I need to clear out

What do I want with my life?
Am I emotionally prepared for a long term relationship?
What do I believe in?
How to learn to love myself?
How to care for my body, mind, and soul?

As for the loving and caring, it will be the toughest part. But everything depends on them, so I got to figure that out soon. I think Buddhist meditation will help me. Or any kind of meditation that allows some introspection and self relation. I got to gain my own trust again. I have been a victim and a criminal in self deception, and deception to others. I need to redeem my ways and regain my status as human being. I need to tear down the wall that still surrounds me .

As for what I want in life, I want freedom. Freedom to love, to learn, to act, to live. And I need room for logic, for rationalism and creative expression. So, I think I’m in the right path. Also, if time and money allow it, I think of learning few more things which might be a good channel and therapy for myself. Also I need plenty of room for myself. I’m no good for team work, or for trusting others with my work. I know, it is all about trust.

As for relationships, I think I need to open myself and start tearing the walls from there. But I can’t permit for a relationship to take over the importance of all the other aspects I need to solve. I need to learn, accept, and trust that they are all equally important. And I need to join my own self exploration with the exploration of others. I need to open, accept, trust and learn from others. Most important, I need to know that nothing lasts forever, and I can’t live a life where I think that all I have at age 21 will be here for the rest of it. People, places, and things need to come and go. And I need to learn to accept that.

But that doesn’t mean it is worth trying, cause you learn from others, and I believe that life or something bigger than that has placed people, things, and places in my life for a reason. And once their job is done, I have to accept that both of us have to move on. We cannot stay lingering in the past or longing for a future that may never come. We need to live our present and enjoy everything. There is only one life, and one life alone to spend. And it is not worthy to spend it living somewhere else than where you are right now.

So, fasten your seatbelt, my lord, and prepare yourself for the ride of your life. Only this ride goes into you.

Good luck!

- Dark Shadow!