Mistrust.

It is not about pleasure, it is not about right and wrong, it is not about the monsters in the closet. It is all about freedom.

But I have come to mistrust my freedom. My own wall and mask with the world. I have lost my way in the world. I don’t know what it is that I want, that I hope or that I seek. Seems like the universal conscience has taken over me. Or maybe it is just some deep depression. Maybe I have become Failure, or Failure has become a better mirror of myself. I cannot tell. All I know is that I’m locking myself behind my own wall and mask, and I’m afraid I’ll lose my life to myself. Suicidal thought are no strangers in my world. 

Something about that primal instinct, that basic instinct is wrong with me. Maybe Nathalie was right. Maybe hearts like mine burn with love too fast and won’t beat more than 27 years. But maybe she was wrong. I mistrust my own self. I’m afraid I’ll keep on building a wall no one ever will help me to tear down. Cause I know I need help. Maybe I have to tear it down alone, but I need some help to find the way. Cause I have lost my pride and my joy, my will to believe. And with every passing day hope leaves, darkness dwells inside of me, and I feel I’m so left astray.

But I never complain about solitude. If I have to die young, I’ll die alone, in perfect solitude. It is the best way to go. I love my solitude, my own loneliness, my own company. They say Misery loves company, and that is true. But I’m tired of making other people feel miserable. I am happy with my own misery. But she is not a good friend. She is a great drinking buddy, and a great companion for self destruction. But that is not the idea, right? So I better get help.

In the meanwhile, here are some things I need to clear out

What do I want with my life?
Am I emotionally prepared for a long term relationship?
What do I believe in?
How to learn to love myself?
How to care for my body, mind, and soul?

As for the loving and caring, it will be the toughest part. But everything depends on them, so I got to figure that out soon. I think Buddhist meditation will help me. Or any kind of meditation that allows some introspection and self relation. I got to gain my own trust again. I have been a victim and a criminal in self deception, and deception to others. I need to redeem my ways and regain my status as human being. I need to tear down the wall that still surrounds me .

As for what I want in life, I want freedom. Freedom to love, to learn, to act, to live. And I need room for logic, for rationalism and creative expression. So, I think I’m in the right path. Also, if time and money allow it, I think of learning few more things which might be a good channel and therapy for myself. Also I need plenty of room for myself. I’m no good for team work, or for trusting others with my work. I know, it is all about trust.

As for relationships, I think I need to open myself and start tearing the walls from there. But I can’t permit for a relationship to take over the importance of all the other aspects I need to solve. I need to learn, accept, and trust that they are all equally important. And I need to join my own self exploration with the exploration of others. I need to open, accept, trust and learn from others. Most important, I need to know that nothing lasts forever, and I can’t live a life where I think that all I have at age 21 will be here for the rest of it. People, places, and things need to come and go. And I need to learn to accept that.

But that doesn’t mean it is worth trying, cause you learn from others, and I believe that life or something bigger than that has placed people, things, and places in my life for a reason. And once their job is done, I have to accept that both of us have to move on. We cannot stay lingering in the past or longing for a future that may never come. We need to live our present and enjoy everything. There is only one life, and one life alone to spend. And it is not worthy to spend it living somewhere else than where you are right now.

So, fasten your seatbelt, my lord, and prepare yourself for the ride of your life. Only this ride goes into you.

Good luck!

- Dark Shadow!