Breaking Out

As the sun broke from the flat horizon, she placed her head on her knees. The tears then began to shed and stained the front of her blue shirt. She sobbed for what she had lost. Only two years out of college and she had lost her home, friends, boyfriend, her childhood, and a bit of herself. Despite her petite stature, she felt weighed down and De-constructed. How it all went wrong was something she understood too well. Her words had once again become too deep, too painful, and too uncontrolled. She wanted desperately to grow up, emerge into an adult that she knew she could be; not have to helplessness covering her. She desired to make adult decisions without assistance. She had no idea of where to begin; she had no idea how to protect herself against crisis. There was no option of instinctual “fight or flight.” In her existence, it was only fight when pushed in a corner.

 

Her hair was matted with sweat despite the hot weather. Her hands mildly shook and her stomach hurt. The emotions had not catapulted to this level before. Then again, the realization of what had happened was sudden. Like an avalanche, an indestructible force, it hit, it hurt, and it destroyed.

What went so wrong? Why did I have to act wrong? What can be done to fix this?, she thought to herself.
The events that panned out over the course of the past two weeks reverberated through her mind.

The yelling, the criticizing, the tears, the avoidance, the confrontation, the breakdown.

None of course were in sequential order or even nonsensical order.
You went too far. Again. You said too much, you did too much.

She thought of how he kissed her and the silence came over them.
She thought of how she walked out of her friend's house and didn't say goodbye.
She thought of how she quit her job and didn't say thank you for the opportunity.
She thought of how much had changed in such a short time, but yet, she still felt the same. Perhaps even worse.

So many weaknesses, so many faded strengths. No idea on how to change the weaknesses, no idea on how to get the strengths back. Just a blank slate of where she formerly stood.

As the sun sunk deeper into the horizon, darkness descended and the loneliness increased. She hadn't remembered sitting in front of the horizon for many years. The beauty of the sunset didn't escape her. She smiled as she realized she was proud for taking the time to look upon it.

She walked back to her quaint size home and wanted to forget about her massive problems. It was dangerous out there alone and in the dark, but she wasn't afraid. Walking in the doorway, she spied her cat staring at her with intense eyes with a formidable strength. The cat finally looked away and ran off into the bedroom.
Life was still weighing her down, however, she was feeling lighter, less preoccupied. She turned on the television and went into a deep slumber as the late night talk show audience roared in laughter.

She woke up. Her head hurt and her eyes felt as if there were anchors pulling them down. She didn't wash her hair, so it was messy and the color was dull. She thought to herself as she drudgingly got out of bed,  Oh well. I don't have anywhere to go anyway.
She toiled around her house for awhile. She moved sluggishly and her mannerisms were clumsy.
Move on. Move past this. Live your life.
She wiped a lone tear from her eye and proceeded to go on the Internet.
She wanted to find her passion. She wanted to find what she enjoyed doing.

She had worked many odd jobs being a cashier, server, and flight attendant, to name a few. The last job she walked out on was one where she was employed for close to a year at a corporate office. The job was fine. The people were fine. The salary was fine. Once again, she still felt like her soul was being sucked into the ground and work didn't have the fulfillment or the knowledge she craved.
She went through the puzzle pieces in her mind trying to bind together her interests and hobbies. All she came across was black.

She had passed out. She had passed out right there on her office chair. The trauma of yesterday evening had obviously affected her profoundly. She felt depressed, but she knew why and she knew what she needed to do. She felt determination and drive to get focus and to escape the mode of her life path.

And so the story ends !

-Dark Shadow!