Hate to Feel!

Sleep, why bother? Red lights keep on burning and the bonfires have just begun. Sleep, why sleep? Why succumb to empty promises of joy, when joy dwells so far away. Why sleep, except to maybe forget the pain? But lets face it, pain will not go away. I look through my window and I see the area light burning. Seductive temptation waiting to devour a new prey tonight. Did I ever love you, oh! cruel murderer of mine? Or did we just pretend.. pretend so we could forget how alone we were? But did we ever forget? No, we got lost somewhere else, and I offer you my neck and you took it. And with glee and lust you drank my blood, and you watched me die, and that’s our story. I may presume you never cared for me, nor you pretended to do so. At least I can give you some credit for that.. you never faked anything. You always showed me how much you used me, how much you wanted to hurt me. And I always offered you my neck. All that there is left to ask is, why didn’t you kill me when you had the chance to do so?

But why bother on such stupid topics on a night like this. Shouldn’t we go out and dance? I should not worry with stories left behind, or with the occasional thought of the whereabouts of a particular guy like you. But it is all so quiet and cold and I don’t want to sleep tonight. Why do it? I have lost all meaning. Maybe there was never meaning behind it all, maybe it was all just an excuse, so I could play my little play for a while. It is dark outside. The moon hangs low and contemplates the wastelands of long lost dreams. So, what should I do before the curtain falls? Say that I love you, yes you my love, to the one I tell that I love you everyday? Well,I love you. And I hope you can find light and meaning. And I hope you never have to see some of the things I have seen, even if a little voice in my head says it could make you stronger. But I love you, and I cannot say I want to see you go through the deepest pits of hell. Or to taste the rotten flesh of the damned.

No… there is no point in going to sleep if I can’t hold you close. There is no point in going out tonight if I can’t see you. There is no meaning behind a night like this, but for you. And you so pale and beautiful, so alone but for me. And sometimes I feel you deserve more of my attention, and sometimes I feel I should know the answer to all your questions. But I don’t, I don’t even know the answers to my own questions. There is no time to cry, kid, so better move on. But I don’t want to cry either. I just want to slip into a sweet numbness amidst your arms and forget all the shit that I must chuck everyday.

The sun won’t be here soon, and there is no misery to make me company. Nor there is laughter. Why live on such a night? Maybe there is meaning after all, some confusing meaning behind it all. And maybe that’s why he never took my life. But why bother asking whys that will always be left unanswered, and every attempt will be emptier than the one before? Why choking on whys when all I need is a little because? Maybe one day the pendulum will swing down. Maybe…

Don’t know why I keep on writing. Maybe it stops me from thinking. Maybe it takes away the pain tonight. I’m in Sumerian haze… but there is no trail of the veil that has left me this way. Maybe it is just the silent sigh of death in love. Maybe it is all just the fucking universal conscience, maybe it is nothing, maybe I’m nuts, maybe I just want to kill half of the world and torture, burn, and maim the other half. I just sometimes hate to feel, I wish I couldn’t feel a all. But then, there will be no meaning at all and it all would be so pointless and stupid that I’ll just take my own life. But well, as my favorite guy once said “You gotta chuck a lot of shit in this life. Just be sure you love her. If you ever doubt, get the hell out of there.” And I’m sure I love her.. so I’ll stay.

Good night my love. There are certain demons that need to be faced, and since I wont do too much tonight, I guess I should do so. Here I left my kiss and wishes for you. Maybe I wont return, maybe they will kill me this time. But I can’t go on with this. I need to heal some internal wounds, cause internal wounds do bleed, they do hurt me. They do get infected and rot my soul. And I’m sorry to leave you this way. I’m sorry I can’t say a proper goodnight to you, cause I don’t know if I’ll be here in the morning. I’m sorry that I have not been strong enough to deal with it. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. If I ever lied, I do apologize. But please be sure I never stopped loving you. And if I do die, don’t cry for me, just leave thirteen black roses under a tree and move on. Do that which still hurts me to do. Let go off the pain. Never suffer my love, never. There is no need to.

But in the spirit of good things to happen, see you in the morning my love. I love you. There are somethings that need to be done, and they can’t wait anymore. Need to face the wall and look beyond it. Need to kill the pain from the root. Please forgive me, I never meant to hurt you. I know this may be hard to your heart, but, don’t you take it so bad. It is just a thing I get sometimes. Sometimes I need to lose everything so I can do what I want to do.

Te Amo

- Dark Shadow!